Lament

I’m slowly fading into my memories…

 

I’ve been taking steps back, getting worse.

I’ve been playing League of Legends a lot lately. And I mean, a lot. And I despise myself for every minute of it, I’m even ashamed to say it (and I haven’t admitted it for months)

I guess there are two ways of being “taken in” by something. One would be passion, and the motivation is precisely the thing you’re being taken in by. The other is escapism: you’re here not because you like it here, but because everywhere else is worse. Somehow I always fall short of the former, and end up in the latter.

I was watching the GDC talk #1ReasonToBe, and the final moments of the Laralyn McWilliams made me snap back to reality in a way. Nothing new, nothing I didn’t know or think already; it’s just been the trigger to make me wake up again. Every time it’s a different trigger. And every time I manage to fall asleep again. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month.

I always fall short of passion. I’m not sure why. Everything else seems overwhelming. My dreams will never come true, and I am always tired of struggling without nothing to show for it.

The reason why I’ve been playing LoL so much is that it rewards me for doing well. Putting aside all the toxicity and the stupidity of the community as well as how enjoyable the game is in itself, if you do well you win, and if you win, the game gives you points, and you go up in ranking. In a totally empty, meaningless, illusory way, when I do well I feel praised for it, and I have something to show for my effort.

Meanwhile, time passes, and I wish I could beg it to stop, because I’m 22 and I have nothing to show for it, nothing that I have done, nothing that I’m proud of and no one that believes in me. I wouldn’t even know where to start, because everything seems to be so big and impossible, and I’d just like time to stop.

Please stop.

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5 thoughts on “Lament

  1. Waylander says:

    Wow man, you just described the exact same feeling that I am experiencing, although Dota is the game that I am addicted to. Just like you, no matter how much time I force myself not to play it, in the end I find myself opening it again… And the reason is that I don’t feel like the time I spend in real life doing something (which is not even interesting), gives me any kind of reward.
    By the way, I really like the way you write, you have a talent for writing.

  2. HopeBearer says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for the past hour. I see your struggle. I’ve seen it in many others, I’ve experienced it for many years myself. But I did get through and the experience changed my life.

    If you want, we can talk. Maybe I can help you with my experience, maybe it could nudge you in the right direction. Maybe you have the strength.

    One thing is for certain, I’ve never seen a single person getting through this, without facing the brutal reality, that maybe they have been wrong their entire life, about everything. You are still at a point in your life where you can absorb these massive changes. Waste your time longer and you will simply succumb to your own misery and wither away.

    But this is not the place to discuss this. I don’t know how wordpress works, if you can see my email feel free to contact me. But don’t expect me to have all the answers. And don’t expect to like what you will hear from me. I remember I certainly didn’t like it, it scared me and pushed me away. I guess I just got very lucky, that the circumstances aligned so that I could see the absolute truth about myself, and my only real friend was someone who was a master of the mind. Had he not been there I would have lost the momentum and sink back much deeper than ever before.

    You are the third person I’m trying to help, against my better judgement. Even though I did promise myself to never waste my time on this again, since I never had any permanent success with the others. My friend once told me, that it’s pointless trying to help others, because as much as we try to help, people find it much easier to hold on to their pride and revert back to their old habits. The only one he’s ever seen who swallowed his pride and won was me. And so far he was always right. The people I did try to help(colleagues and friends) always had a temporary change, where the impact of my words forcefully pushed them to do the right thing, but when it faded away they just went – “Who the hell does he think he is?” and it ends there.

    If you decide not to contact me, don’t ignore my words and don’t waste time. If this is a fake personality, kudos, it is a truly enjoyable read. I only say this, because your writing style is so clean it almost feels like roleplay.

    Good luck.

  3. I find your writing rather deep.

  4. lyrae says:

    Wow – accidentally clicked something on RPS and found a blog of someone with the exact same problem and also 22…

    I’ve been compulsively searching for another “escape routes”. I have installed Dota2, LoL, Smite, WoT and dozens of other games just to sink my thoughts into something competitive – where there’s always something going on, something that matters (even if only for virtual leaderboards, ladders, points and game items…)

    It sounds like a temporary solution to deal with problems but… after 7 years I still didn’t solve most of them. Same room, same sky…
    Most people would despise me for what I am but what can you do ;)

  5. […] to one kind commenter, who did honestly try his best to help me, I’ve been making a couple of experiments on […]

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