For the past few weeks, I have often felt on the verge of making a clean break, turning my bad habits around, making an upward spiral of positive energies out of my downward spiral of negative thoughts, fear and self-hate. I even managed to write, a couple of weeks ago. It was a short, stupid and bad poem, but right now, the action per se and its symbolic value mean more to me than what I actually write.
But then, everything is ruined all too quickly, I can never quite make it far enough, and I come down again, depressed, hopeless, lazy, scared of finding myself empty, terrified of not being good enough for anything. All it takes is a small mistake, giving up to temptation, listening to the voice of my best friend (who certainly loves me more than I do, and perhaps doesn’t entirely share my ambition and my views – but I’m not blaming her) that tells me to not be so hard on myself, to reward myself for the good things I do. I rewarded myself for managing to write, and here I am, 2 weeks later, and I have lost (and regained, and re-lost, and so on a few times) all that momentum that I had managed to build.
It’s a shame that I can’t seem to keep on a good path long enough to let some good habits stabilize; my best moments seem to be when I stare at all my hideousness, I see all my shortcomings and defects clearly, I feel them clearly; sometimes it all becomes too much, I have no hope in anything and I simply close up. But eventually, often immediately, all the negativity gives me motivation to apply my energies and my best effort in all I do. In a way, it’s either that or suicide (literal or metaphorical). I wouldn’t be here writing this, if this process hadn’t repeated itself so many times.
But linking my positive energies to the negativity I’m trying to eradicate is self-defeating. Not to mention all the obstacles that can break that surge of good will – distractions, practical problems, tiredness, sometimes it takes as little as going to sleep, and the next day it’s all gone.
I can tell something is getting better. I feel like I’m cyclically coming nearer to that turnaround I need, nearer and more often. I’m strongly attracted to putting myself through some life-changing symbolic actions, something ascetic like a spiritual retreat, something painful that lasts an extended amount of time, a couple of weeks, maybe, or a month, or as long as it needs to be, so that when I come out on the other side, the scales are tipped the other way.