I feel frustrated. I feel nervous. I feel angry, and disappointed.
Today has been a collection of little failures, like most other days. Many little things, like bricks building that massive wall that has been holding me back for years, stuck in the same place, in the same apathy, in the same mediocrity.
I started by waking up late, despite my determination not to do so, and the alarm clock. Then I did that thing of studying without actually studying, your head hovering over the book and your mind elsewhere. I must have done 3 -4 pages in a couple of hours, while I wasted my time writing stupid comments on RPS about things I’ll have forgotten in a week. Then I realized I was doing this, and I told myself I’d have skipped lunch, and spent the time making up for what I didn’t study. (Not that it would matter: even if I studied 25 hours a day, I’d still probably feel that I wasn’t doing enough) Instead what I did was, eat before lunch AND eat lunch just an hour later. Then I took a shower, and I didn’t do any of the things I planned to do before that (epilation, voice feminization exercises etc) because I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m scared of, probably that I’ll take away some of the reasons why I’m miserable. I also wanted to go look for a beauty-centre to make my facial hair disappear, and I won’t do that either because I’m scared.
Failures fill my every day, and people don’t see them, because they don’t know what I’m not doing, but I see them, and they matter, and they keep me stuck, and the least I could do is feel angry. No, not angry, infuriated.
I write this here, now, in hope that it will help me be true to my word. I will not eat anything for 24 hours, counting from when I last ate, about an hour ago.
It’s punishment, but it’s not just that. It’s arbitrary discipline, and it doesn’t matter how arbitrary it is, because it is first and foremost an assertion of will. I need to prove that, if I decide to do something, I can and will do it.
I will probably be looking to systematize this kind of thing, as well as making it more severe and forcing myself to do more, in terms of concrete actions. I can’t just keep talking, I need to do things. I need to know that I’m not hopeless.