Lost Mind, Lost Soul: A Diary Of a Sickness (Pt. 4)

‘I was hoping I’d be doing better by now.’

That is my most recurrent thought. It’s been more than 3 months, but every apparent sign of me getting better was just a moment in a fluctuation, or so it seems.

Or maybe it wasn’t, and I’m just seeing everything negatively because I had different expectations. To be honest, I feel a little bit better. Sure, I have not been able to spend 24 hours by myself, but I also never had to take psych drugs again, no matter how sick I felt.

What really bothers me, I guess, is that I was hoping I could use my recovery time differently. Maybe I had underestimated what the concept of recovery implied. I was hoping I could read, study, write, publish reviews and essays, explore my opinions and ideas, and a lot more. Basically, I think I was hoping to be sane and with a lot of time on my hands. Unfortunately, my issue is deeply linked to the same things that I’d like to be doing.

So, I have to spend my days doing all those things I had always hoped to completely erase from my possibilities. It feels like I’m slowly poisoning myself and all I ever believed in. Every day, I need to entertain myself with something mindless, that would just not let me think, because if I think things start to go badly again. And every time I read that “entertain”, it seems to me like it means that I need to be numbing myself down. Anaesthesia. Videogames are my psych drug, I’m already high and taking my full dose of meds, killing my brain cells and my personality by the minute.

Surely, I always strive for a compromise, for the best within my limits. Every time I feel good enough for it, I start reading again, and my videogame choice always tries to include something intelligent. But I’d lie if I said I didn’t feel bad about myself. I would not befriend myself if I saw my own Steam profile, and I simply despise the thought of acting like I am; I despise who I am becoming, even though I can’t seem to do anything different.

My psychologist made me notice how my anxiety conveniently gets a lot worse every time I start planning to do something concrete, every time I try to cross something off my To-do list, rendering me unable to do those things. I know it now, and I have stopped trying for now, but the length of this “for now” scares me. I don’t want it to be another excuse that I’ll keep repeating over and over again.

Some days I feel so stuck, I lose all hope and I just want to kill myself.
My life right now isn’t worth living. I’m only still alive because I hope in a better future.

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2 thoughts on “Lost Mind, Lost Soul: A Diary Of a Sickness (Pt. 4)

  1. Sergio says:

    you remind me too much of when I was young, my life was so hard, not about phobias, about family conflicts, so hard. I felt like my life had any purpose for many years, everything was grey and everything was sadness. I though seriously on suiciding. I thought life doesnt worth. My mind was closed. Games were my scape too, an easy way to keep my mind empty and entertained. It scares me when I think in thoose years.

    How do I scaped from that? The solution is only in your mind. I learned how to smile, how to sing, how to be friendly, how to laugh at the problems, definetly, how to be happy. It took so long and so hard. After that everything becomes easier for you. You become the best, maybe not for the society (fuck the society), for yourself.

    Now I live in a foreing country, I stay in a room in a so poor neightbour. I only have a bed, a wardrove and my clothes. But I have something quite important: the wil to be happy.

    Your life right ALWAYS worth living. The future ALWAYS become better if you fight for it.

  2. bledcarrot says:

    I’m with Sergio and I’d go even further and say the point is the struggle. Firstly stop beating yourself up for enjoying entertainment. And stop feeling like there’s some imperative hanging over your head with a finger pointed to intellectual or productive pursuits.

    I get that feeling, I really do, but life is all about ebbs and flows. Go with it. There will be periods where you do nothing but watch television for a week, or don’t read a book for a month, where all you do is play games and eat. But there’ll also be times when you find a new topic and spend the day obsessively learning about it. You’re not going to lose yourself in your distractions, they’re as much a part of you as anything else. Don’t deny your interests, that seems like a sure path to neurosis :) But sure, be mindful of directing your life back towards productive things, just don’t flood yourself with guilt.

    Hope you’re feeling a bit better.

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