I have stopped hoping to be as constant as I’d like to be with this. It simply isn’t within my capabilities right now. And that’s ok, I guess. Maybe I should say, that’s not too important for now. (‘Cause, of course, it’s not ok) I’m trying to keep my diary updated more often at least. But I’d like to outline the most important things that are happening in my life right now.
I’m getting closer to the root of my phobia. I’ve found a very good psychologist, although he only sees me every other week, because I’m just not feeling sick enough. (…) Anyway, in my conversations with him, I seem to be getting to the same thought pretty quickly, no matter where I start from: I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough at/for anything, I don’t believe to be good enough at/for anything, and I don’t deserve anything. We’re still working on how and why I learned to think like this, but I do, and it’s everywhere, it affects everything, to the point that I distance myself from the only thing I’m undeniably good at (school work), or I wouldn’t be able to do it like I do. (Admitting that I’m good at it is not a possibility)
The other side of the matter is that I expect a lot from myself. I need to be “good above average” while I think I’m the worst there is. If having high expectations can put pressure on yourself, well, this way of thinking at least doubles that pressure. Failure moves from the realms of fear and possibility to that of near certainty.
There are a few things that I care a lot about. They could be categorized as “self-expression”, or “creation”, making something that is undeniably mine, to share with others. Mostly, this means writing stories, or music, although lately the thought of making a game is starting to appeal to me. And obviously, there’s another “big thing” for me, which is gender transition. Well, everything concerning these two worlds is something I think about every day, and something I have been avoiding for years.
The avoidance is usually unconscious, while the pressure to apply myself to them comes from my rational, self-conscious and purposive side. Which doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy those activities, but they have been so emotionally charged with expectations and fears that the thought of simply enjoying them as I should sounds impossible. In practice, it all translates to a simple formula: the more I care about something, the more I avoid it.
I mentioned that my insect phobia is caused by fears and anxieties that have been transferred, mental energy that has been redirected from its proper place because of blocks that prevented it to express itself as it should have. Well, these are the fears behind it. I have yet to be sure whether my gender transition is, in fact, part of it (I believe it is) and to what extent, but this is what the picture looks like as a whole.
About a week ago, I was feeling better, and I decided that I would try to write. I was calm, I was ok. There was no real pressure on me except the one I was putting on myself, it was a simple choice I made, to spend my time in a certain way, to try and write after a year of silence. Well, it took about 30 seconds to go from calm to extremely anxious, just with that one thought. I tried to stay with that thought for about 20 minutes, then I let it go and started worrying more about my reaction than about trying to write. But the pressure is there. It’s there, even now, only, I don’t even notice it anymore, because I’m so used to it. Pressure to do things, even trivial things, and pressure to do important things, and to recover so that I can do those things again as soon as possible.
I’m not quite sure where to go from here, though. I’ve found my block, and I felt it strongly and clearly as I took a seemingly innocent decision. How to get past it, though, is beyond me.