Solanin

Dear —-,

I know all too well you never liked goodbyes. Of course, I don’t like them either. But at some point, they become necessary, and slowly delaying them indefinitely will only keep hurting both of us. We have had time, a lot more time than we needed, a lot more than we should have had. By now you too know that we cannot keep going like this. We cannot be together anymore. If there was some way, we would have found it by now. But neither of us can find a good life with the other: we cannot stay together while we keep pulling in different directions. There can be no balance: for years we have tried, and all that came of it is that we are still in that same place where we started. I know it’s comfortable, there’s no one that makes me feel safe and protected quite like you do.

But we, we both, have to learn to let go. We owe it to ourselves, or rather I to me and you to you. We are sacrificing our own lives for this “us” that has known only unrest, indecision, longing and failure. This is not working. I know it. You know it. We only have to turn to each other and hug each other and say goodbye.

You already know all this is true. I know you know it, because I know it too. But it’s important that you hear it from me, and it’s important that you stop ignoring it. I need you to acknowledge that this is the way it has to be. I cannot let go of you, if you keep holding on to me. You have to help me, and you have to help yourself. I’m doing the same, but I cannot do it alone. This one last thing needs both of us. Stop finding excuses. Stop delaying, stop saying “just this one last time”. This is the last time, right now, and there will not be another one. And if you don’t let go, I will have to do things, and they will hurt both me and you. They will hurt a lot; a lot more, and a lot more deeply than this already does.

Cry, if you wish. I am crying too. That’s the proper reaction, so I will not stop you. You know how much I care for you. But it’s time we start using these verbs in the past. It’s time that we split this “we” into a me and a you, two different individuals who cared a lot about each other, but realized their ways lead in different directions. I will keep your photographs and diaries, and years from now I will read them and cherish the memories. You will not be forgotten. And who knows, maybe one day we’ll meet again, and we’ll be happy and awkward around each other like people who were very close and then grew apart.

With all that you’ve gone through, I know you will be alright, eventually, even without me. And I, I will be fine too, some day.

Thank you for all the times we have spent together.

Goodbye

Sayonara nanda…

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