Sorry I’ve disappeared for a few months. I haven’t logged in to WordPress or Twitter in quite a while. I’m always wary of being too particular in case what I reveal starts being used against me, but, perhaps ill-advisedly, I feel like trying to explain a little bit of what has been going on with me.
When I left, I mentioned I was having some issues even I didn’t quite understand. What happened is that I started having headaches and a general feeling of exhaustion that wouldn’t go away, and that prevented me from doing much of anything. It’s a shame, because I was at a good point with my games writing, and I was planning to start sending pitches to a couple of website and see if they were interested in what I had to say.
The headaches were psychological in nature. In a way, this was a repeat of the major breakdown I had about 3 years ago: on a much smaller scale, for sure, but the main underlying themes were largely identical. My mind refused to do any more work, every time something associated with a “must” came up, the headaches would also come to stop me from doing those things. And since I’m a weird and twisted human being, I had to drop pretty much everything. The only activity my mind allowed was playing videogames: my other hobbies, passions and pursuits, including reading, writing, playing the guitar, were all forbidden. (Let’s not even mention my transition, that’s been stuck for years at this point)
The problem, as I’ve mentioned before, is that it’s way too easy for me to take everything as if it was work, and in doing so, I tend to distort the things I like to do to the point that my passion for them is nowhere to be found. And since I’m impatient and I have very high standards and expectations, it’s also easy for me to create a living hell of a daily routine where I must exert myself all day every day, with next-to-non-existent spaces for relaxation, winding down and enjoyment (especially because I tend to see those things that are supposed to be relaxing either as more work, or as a weakness, a waste of time that I reluctantly accept but that I’d actually like to eliminate)
The headaches went away relatively quickly after I understood what was going on (after the message got through to me) but nonetheless I have been stuck doing nothing besides playing games for quite a while longer. My psychologist’s main suggestion has been to focus on relaxing, and giving myself space, as much as possible, but that’s very very hard for me, so it took some time. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation as well, and that took a while to kick in but now it really helps making me feel better.
I’ve been slowly improving over the past few weeks. I say slowly, but honestly any progress seems too slow to me. People with a more balanced and less demanding perspective than my own say my progress has been good and steady. I’m not quite where I was before this, but I’m not far off either.
Still, I’m trying to go slow, right now, and not feel guilty about it in the process. I’d like to do so many things, and I feel like I’m wasting so much time, but it’s obvious I’m not the best at judging these matters, and I’ve already broken down twice from over-exerting myself. I’m also not as stable as I could be. While my insect phobia got massively better, it’s still an issue, and one that is relevant right now insofar as I’ve had a few close encounters with insects in my room lately, and on bad days they can still be a significant source of anxiety and stress.
While I still don’t have the mental energy necessary for many things, I’ve nonetheless been trying to integrate some stuff back into my life where I can. On a good day, I feel like I can write a bit. Right now I’m working on a couple of posts for my games criticism blog that may or may not ever see the light of day, depending on whether I find the strength to see them through.
And it pains me to say that, it really does. I’m 23, I’ve wasted so much of my life already, and now I have to hope I have enough energy just to write a stupid essay even though I have no commitment or obligation in my life whatsoever. I’ve been saying this for several years now, but if I didn’t have at least some hope that I could get better, and more importantly, that I could become a significantly better person, I’d just kill myself. I’m so tired of having to look for baby steps, and go slowly lest I break down again.
But baby steps are all I have right now. Like this post, right here. Baby steps, right?
I’ve been thinking about my future as well. I won’t be repeating last year’s experiment of writing about games, precisely because if I can’t see it through once again I’ll have wasted another year. I wouldn’t mind writing a post or two, whenever I have the time and something interesting to say, but we’ll see. It’s definitely not a priority: if I can fit it on the side, all the better, but I’ll drop it if I have to. Instead, I’m planning to complete university. Philosophy. They will only recognise one year of my previous studies, even though I completed two, so I’ll be starting from the second year once again, but better than nothing. Once again, I can only hope I’ll find enough strength to see myself through that.
Still, I got through nearly a thousand words here. That’s a thousand more than I wrote in the last few months.